I Know you dont understand

I've been having a hard time again. It's hard to write about it. Connections to people mean so much to me, and I know mental illness still carries such a stigma. I don't want to lose you my friends. I miss you so much as it is now. The truth is that I have mental illness though. I sometimes feel very irrational. I want to be all smiles and goodness just like you... somehow I keep ending up here instead.

It hasn't been this bad in a long time and I don't know why it came on so strong and so fast. Whats worse, there's so little anyone can do for me. I'll see another doctor next week. I'm struggling to last that long... Then it will be on to more guessing about which medication to try next. I dread the side effects that inevitably come with those drugs. I just want to be normal. Anyway, if you don't hear from me much right now, that's why. Sometimes I can fake it like everything's fine, just not tonight.

I miss you all.

Man, I feel crappy. I'm tired of it. It's endless.

ZzzzzOnk!

Medicine is dumb. But sometimes you have to take it. I've got to take this stuff for a few weeks and it REALLY zonks me out! I feel like I'm on a liquid drip of ambien! *shrug* I suppose I have the luxury of sleeping for 3 months. Hmmm... Not my favorite way to spend my life. Oh well.




I'm thinking of doing a little service project this summer. It's for low income mothers and mothers-to-be. They would have me throw a baby shower and collect as much stuff as I can for a newborn to 18 month old. I then take it to their center where the moms in need are given everything they need for their baby.
One thing I like about it is that they are not just giving out hand outs. I read that the mom does have to do a small number of "chores" or something to earn things for her baby. That way they are sort of rehabilitating the mom so she will be able to feel like she earned the supplies and like she can provide for her family.

Let me know what you think of such a project. I haven't signed up yet because I don't know if my friends would want to participate in something like that. It's just like a regular baby shower, only you don't know the real mom... I'd be the pretender mom.

Well I've done it...

I've applied to go back to school. The Applied Tech school in Kaysville looks like the place. I wasn't getting where I want to be looking for jobs this past 11 months now... Ssssoooo... Here goes. I'm going to take some more classes to enhance the digital side of my career and I may just take a few courses in secretary stuff too, to get me something I can do in case my career doesn't pan out as fast as we'd like.

I've been feeling down a bit. I'm keeping busy but I think what I need is a job to make some progress on paying off old student loans. Also it would feel so nice to be able to live on my own and not feel so dependent for everything.

Anyway, just a quick post to move those twinkie sushi things down a bit. :)