Today I got a bit discouraged with myself. Sometimes it just feels like no matter how hard I try, I am not good enough. I'm trying my hardest, but that's just not good enough. I even thought to myself that I should give up. That way I wouldn't be dissapointing so many people on a regular basis. They'd get the initial dissapointment of me giving in to failure but then they'd know what to expect from me. Instead of always hoping that I've finally got it together and being repeatedly disappointed. Thankfully, I was with some close friends and they talked to me and reminded me that I'm okay and I should keep trying and they're proud of me for sticking it out. I feel a bit better.
For the last few days I've also been feeling pretty good about planning my life around just me and a career. I don't seem to be meeting mister-meant-for-me and for the past 8 years or so I've been torturing myself with that. I want a family. It's always been my dream.
But right now I feel strong enough to let that go for a minute so I can shift my focus to the present. It's a fragile emotion and hanging onto it is like trying to hold a cloud. I just hope it stays with me a while.
The guy I've been going out with the most sure is fun. I like him a bunch. But he holds me at arm's length and I don't know if that'll change. I enjoy spending time with him though. So I leave it at that with few expectations. If something does change it'll be all the better.
This is a sad little blog isn't it. Don't worry, I'll feel better tomorrow or the next day.
Signing off from wonderland,
Heidi
1 comment:
ooooo. hope you're feeling better!
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